A New Beginning

I’m sitting in the window seat of an airplane on my way back to Mexico City, the place I have called home for the last couple of months. Today I arrive with two more big suitcases and my 11-year-old dog.

The last few months have been filled with airplane flights, long car rides, buses and a lot of overall movement. After 10 years of living in the same place I was ready for the change of pace. I grew up moving every few months/years which let to me craving staying still as a young adult. I remember feeling very anxious during my 3rd year in Ottawa. I had never lived somewhere for more than three years. The idea of staying put terrified me. Who knew I would call Canada’s capital home for more than a decade.

Staying still helped repattern my brain. Fight or Flight responses developed as a child were reprogrammed. I learned how to invest in community, how to invest in a relationship, how to be a good long term friend, how to build a garden, and how to start and finish school. Those lessons and teachings came from long term involvement with a place. I realized that was something I wanted. I didn’t want to wander. I wanted to have impact, be involved in projects from start to finish. I wanted to see things through. I was involved in organic theatre projects, art installations, I started businesses and was able to hire people who I wanted to support.  

Something inside of me began to change. In 2017, I finished school and was offered to buy a house for $70,000. Fearing that a house would trap me in the same place for the next 30 years, I decided to go travelling instead. My father is Venezuelan although we met as adults. Therefore South America is also a place I met as an adult. When I arrived this time though, the Southern Door called to me in a way I had never felt before. I heard my ancestors and felt a pull that changed the trajectory of my life.

During this process my marriage began to dissolve. Differences in character traits and values became louder and more prominent. Although we cared for one another deeply, we had grown apart. We had changed in the past 10 years and it was better to say goodbye in a good way. We made a big fire and burnt our wedding photos and love letters accumulated over the years and let one another go.

When you go through a divorce your life really changes. I needed to face the music. I couldn’t call my ex to pick me up because I blew out a tire, nor check in with him to see if we needed anything from the grocery store. Although I didn’t want to be with him anymore and neither him with me, I found myself in a depth of mourning.

I couldn’t stop crying. I was a mess.

I was crying in the middle seat on an airplane.

I was crying in my car driving.

I almost got into multiple car accidents (Thank God for my angel protectors)

The crying blues.

I was set to deliver a 3 hour presentation at a conference in Peterborough, 3 hours from where I lived. I was pretty excited to be offering the workshop as it not only was something I was passionate about, it was a solid step in my career. That morning, I woke up with the crying blues. I am not sure what the trigger was. I must have had a dream. Regardless of the why or the how, I was in a pretty dark self pitying wallow.

This is how the conversation I had with myself went

 “F*** not today. Not today. Not today. Not right now. Can’t you just put this in a box and feel this later. This is really inconvenient.”

“You said you weren’t going to cut corners anymore. You were going to feel every emotion and allow yourself the full grief that this deserves”

“Yes, I know I said that but I have a lecture to deliver”

“Be honest, be human. You are not the first person who has delivered a lecture while in a period of mourning”

“Uggghhhhhh… Ok fine. But can you just stop crying for now?”

“Does the river apologize for flowing? Do the glaciers justify why they melt in the summer time? You are just crying right now. That is all. This is not a permanent state. It is the moment you are feeling in this moment. Later is another moment but right now let yourself flow like the river flows. Don’t fight me. You will lose.” 

In that moment I pictured myself as a waterfall with tears flowing down. I watched them join the river and eventually join the sea. In that moment I realized that I was cleansing. I was releasing and I was healing. I stopped judging myself for feeling uncomfortable emotions and came to a place of acceptance of what I was feeling. In an hour I stopped crying. (Yes, it took that long). When I was finally done, I saw my body as a dried up creek nourishing new seedlings, flowers and song birds.  

I was able to deliver my workshop with the help of my co facilitator and an acceptance of the emotional journey that I was on. Overall it was a beautiful workshop with a lot of heart openings and deep connections.

I’m grateful that I gave myself the permission to feel the loss of that relationship. It allowed me to reprogram my relationship to pain. Instead of pulling away from it and attempting to block it, I learned to just feel it. Like any emotion, it passes, just like the wind. It would have been a lot easier to be angry, to have found blame and bi passed taking responsibility for my part. This process was so uncomfortable, yet much more clean.

When I told one of the elders that I was getting divorced, she smiled and said “Congratulations! Most people judge the success of a relationship by its longevity and when a relationship ends its seen as a failure. You are not failures. You had a beautiful walk together and you love one another enough to let one another go. This is success. This is commitment. ”

With that, my plane has just arrived back on Mexican soil. It is as though I have been guided to this land. I’m looking forward to the continued adventure, the continued listening and the continuous journey. I am also happy to say that all those tears are dry and made way for forest regrowth.