The Imperfect

Mama Bear Bloggy Bear- Aug 11, 2021

I wrote letters to my child as she was in the womb. Most of them are really sweet though sometimes the extra hormones made me really emotional. It felt important to talk to her and explain that although we were sharing a body, it wasn’t’  her ‘job’ to take care of me. I am her mom and it’s my job to take care of her.

Now that she is here on earth, I regularly remind her of this. Babies are so psychic, so they know when something is off. And because they love you, it is natural for them to want to make you feel better. It is quite instinctual.

During my pregnancy There is a part of me that is terrified that my unborn child has something wrong with it…. And that it is my fault.

Perhaps during the first trimester when her organs were forming and I didn’t know she was in there, I put something in my body that affected her brain.. maybe she will have extra fingers… or maybe her lungs will be clogged.

Or that I have a genetic defect in my family line that I didn’t know about

Or about a variety of other possibilities.

 I try not to go there… although sometimes it shows up in the back of my mind and today I would like to give voice to that… and hope that by naming it, I can stop giving that little fear silent power.  

…. I don’t know if these feelings are ‘normal’ and most mama’s to be just don’t say it outloud or that it is something unique to my experience.

I’m not sure if it matters either way.

As mama’s to be… one of the most beautiful parts of the process is the journey of getting to know our unborn children from in the womb.

My little girl tells me when I need to eat and when it’s time to stop eating those delicious dulces. When I don’t listen to her, she makes her point clear later when I can’t sleep due to heartburn gas flips.

She’s tough. Resilient. And Loving.

I try to keep my mind, body and spirit clear although sometimes I don’t do the best job and I find myself apologizing to her.

“I’m sorry, Mummy isn’t perfect sweetie. I’m learning. I’m doing my best… but I’ve been struggling with this thought pattern for a long time. Since we are sharing a body, you are going to see this part of me. I wish I could protect you more from this because this part of me is not healthy. I’m learning to do better.” 

She always replies that she chose me and knew what she was getting into.

It is a privilege to carry life in my womb and to get the opportunity to be a part of this soul’s journey. I feel very grateful to be transitioning into this next phase in my life.

Motherhood.

One month and a bit to go. The rest of our lives, here we come.