I am becoming a mother

Such Gratitude for the length of the gestation process.

The time to prepare emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally to welcome this child,

A gift that The Creator designed into the human experience.

….

I expected to feel more ready.

After all this is what I wanted.

Though it definitely took longer than I thought.

If I am 100% honest, I thought there may have been something wrong with my body

Did you know thatt unprotected sex doesn’t automatically make a baby? Imagine that!

A woman’s body is only fertile during certain windows and despite the thousand of sperm that race to win, if the egg isn’t in the perfect position, those little tad poles don’t make it too far.

Life truly is a miracle.

Scientifically adnominal

Finding Out 

My joy was quiet. I didn’t want to get too excited. Though I was extremely excited.

I smiled, an inner and outer smile. I felt ready, grateful and blessed.

 … Yet,

Over the course of the following months I have begun to question this inner resolve in a way that has rattled my entire being.  

I am 33 years old and have been working with children and families for the last 14 years of my career. Babies and kiddos are my thing. I am comfortable holding a newborn, toilet training, teaching a child how to read, supporting a child’s emotional navigation through the school system, listening to a teen struggling with rejection and being a cheerleader with job and university applications.

Perhaps it’s the hormones.

Perhaps it’s because we are living in a strange decade.

Though, I have been filled with an anxiety that I did not know previously existed 

Suddenly, I am worried about everything

Will their heart be ok?

What if I ate/drank something that will mess up their organs?

Will I be able to give birth naturally?

What if I struggle to breastfeed?

Will they have a learning disability?

Do we have enough money to do this?

Is this smog that I am breathing during pregnancy going to give them asthma?

 ….

Perhaps the first step of motherhood is being filled with an overwhelming sense of worry and doing it anyway.

Like a rites of passage to inner peace.

 If I can breath through this anxiety, I can breath through anything.

Whatever the case is, I know that accepting that I haven’t been ok has been a key piece to returning back to my sense of self.

 ….

I am 3 and a half months pregnant and officially in the second trimester

I am told that the reason why the first trimester is so intense is because your body is going through such massive changes. The baby literally grows all its organs, its fingers and its brain cells. There is a ton of inner work (literally) that is taking place and it can be a lot on a woman. The baby demands a lot of energy to grow.

Last month I had a dream that the baby was pulling blue light from my brain and eating it.

I made sure to double up on my multi vitamins and omega 3s after that. 

.

Today, I feel much more grounded, centred and in my body… although it has been a journey

I have been struggling with insecurity and worthlessness at an intensity not felt since I was a teenager

I have always considered myself level-headed, reasonable and stable. Friends and family rely on me for grounded, and practical things.

 My sister recently said to me (in a very loving way) “I’m sorry, I’m just not used to you being so sensitive.” after I snapped at her for not remembering something I mentioned last week. Hormone changes are tough. I have so much more compassion to adolescents and women in menopause.

I am learning to accept myself in the uncomfortable. In the intense. In the rage. In the tears. In the joy. In in the wonder and in the moment that I am currently in.

So, with that, I say my gratitude

… To life

… To growth

… To all the mothers that have come before me

… To all the mothers that will come after me

… To the wisdom that lives in my bones

… To the little soul that has chosen to birth through me

… and to the mother that I am becoming

May I learn to be more patient and kind. May I learn to take deep breaths when I don’t know what to do. May I wrap everything I do with love, joy and with the spirit of play… and a sparkle or two of magic.